Friday, May 31, 2002
From The American Prospect
On a warm Sunday in September, Michael Steinhardt, maverick hedge fund operator turned Jewish philanthropist, was showing a group of fellow donors around his private zoo. Located on his 51-acre estate in Mount Kisco, New York, an hour north of Manhattan, the zoo features free-range zebras, miniature horses, guinea fowl, wallabies, antelopes, blue-necked pheasants, and golden spider monkeys. Delighted at the looks of wonder on his guests' faces, Steinhardt at one point impishly led them into one of the pens. A majestic nine-foot-tall ostrich came over to greet them. Full of curiosity, the ostrich kept stretching out its long neck toward the donors, as if eager to read their name tags. When the giant bird began to get too friendly, Steinhardt quickly herded the group out of the pen. "He's very attracted to Jews," he joked.
Perhaps this is why Seth and Ira
put so many animal stories on page one.
is presumably joined by Ira Stoll
in the second of today's Sun
editorials, as the piece is written in the first-person plural
. In their exhortation to "The Best Defense," Lipsky and Stoll, both normal semi-intelligent guys, tell us that "Every time [they] pass a policeman manning a barricade
, [they] raise a cheerful salute
." Their cheer results largely from their recent recognition of the burgeoning "Homeland Defense" [sic] effort's increasing similarity to an old adage, to wit, the best defense being a good offense. While it is heartening to see such an unexpected demonstration of candor on the part of the reactionary pair, the paragraph that follows revolts.
"We," Seth and Ira
write, "find ourselves growing more and more eager to hear of offensive planning." Offensive is an extremely appropriate choice of words, though they likely chose it unwittingly. They then helpfully supply the names of several worthy targets of offensive action, including "Communist China" and numerous countries constituted by towelheads and slant-eyes. The sooner we war with these countries, "the sooner that New Yorkers and all Americans will be able to return to living their lives in the hassle-free privacy to which they were once accustomed."
There it is! Bombs will fall and soldiers will die all for the greater convenience of the Sun
's editorial department. Nothing refreshes quite like honesty.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Eventually we here at Like Father Like Sun
will have to satisfy our numerous debts
. On that day we are sure to be approached by Seth Lipsky
or his designated heirs and assigns. We owe him much.
In what can only be an extension of professional courtesy to the present site, the Sun
today runs an editorial shouting down Libya's proposed Flight 103 settlement. Seth Lipsky proves himself to be a set-up man worthy of Dan Aykroyd or Ramiro Mendoza circa 1998-1999
therein by averring that "[a]ny financial settlement
must be accompanied by an assumption of responsibility for the crime."
We agree, Seth. We would like to see the above constructed in the strictest sense and applied in the broadest manner, even retroactively. We suppose Seth would agree with us in this. We therefore await his next editorial denouncing his taskmasters, Michael Steinhardt and Rachel P. Kovner's dad, for their disgraceful and fraudulent subversion of the market
in treasury instruments traded in what even those pointy heads at the Securities and Exchange Commission recognized as "largest and most important securities market in the world." In their settlement, the two were allowed to escape with a modest fine and were not required to admit responsibility for their crime. Were the dynamic duo to perpetrate the same crime
in this post-September 11 market, they would likely be denounced as al Qaeda and hung in accordance with the Patriot Act and those death penalty statutes Seth and Ira
are so fond of.
Seth, we owe you tremendously for your work on our behalf. Please provide us with a reckoning of the bill
. We appreciate your tossing these high-arc softballs our way, and look forward
to more of the same.
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Seth 'I'll buy a vowel'
Mnookin (a/k/a Mnook Bol
) gone. Ellen Kampinsky
gone. The ghost of Rachel P. Kovner
filing stories from the Great Beyond. It is becoming more and more obvious that Big Poppa
Steinhardt and Big Daddy
Kovner are not going to stand by forever as millions and millions of their hard-earned dollars
flow down the toilet.
As the Sun begins its long downward spiral, the time may have come for Messrs. Lipsky
to begin burnishing the old resumes and start scouting
for new positions. Certainly, with such distinguished careers
, the duo will have little or no problem finding suitable employment
However, everybody needs a little help. That's where I come in. Seth
, this is what I do for a living--help others find the position that is right for them. While I feel that both of you will find ANY of my lessons
helpful, I particularly recommend my talk on "Conducting a successful job search" and my advice to "Seek the counsel of others during a job search." Give them a listen! And Ira, considering that you got where you are mainly based on sniping at the Times (let's be frank
---it wasn't based on your writing skills), I really think you should listen to my lesson on "Not worrying about competition." It will remove such a burden, I just know it.
Also, appearance can be extremely important during a job hunt. Seth
, I'm certain another of my other fine BradCo. services
can help you. It won't take long for me to get from Pawnee to Elgin---I'll handle your case personally.
Fellas, just ask---I'm here to help.
PS, CONFIDENTIAL to Alicia
---Thanks so much for your tips on computers yesterday! Now I can sleep easy knowing that I can spy on my little one
and keep him away from that horrid Internet porn
Sometimes those of us who buy the Sun
solely to clip and archive its instances of war mongering have to exercise a bit of patience. That blood thirst is to be found in every issue. Sometimes providence sites it on the front page, with Ira Stoll's byline if we're truly lucky. More often though it's confined to the seedier inner pages, where the rabble
stands ready to be roused. You've just got to negotiate the quests for the perfect couch, the plants from the Manhattan Institute, and the latest discharge of flatus on Rachel P. Kovner's part, and you'll eventually find what it is you seek. Is Jan Michael Vincent going to fall off the wagon? It's not a question of if but of when. Savvy viewers know Shannon Tweed
's panties will eventually come down and that poor Emeril Lagasse
's Tourette's syndrome will have him kicking it up a notch in short order. Likewise, Seth and Ira are powerless before their scriptwriters
and personal compulsions. Stick around long enough and it'll happen.
Ellen Bork fires the opening shot and commences today's operations. Bork chastises the administration for accommodating itself to those limp-wristed Europeans by toning down its "Axis of Evil
" rhetoric. We sacrificed our moral clarity
- and latest opportunity to rocket some sand niggers - to appease the power-shy Europeans, Bork says, a point she follows with this quote from establismentarian deep thinker Robert Kagan: "Europe is...moving beyond power into a self-contained world of laws and rules and transnational negotiation and cooperation." And what does the brilliant Bork take away from this accurate appraisal of Europe's laudable reconfiguration of itself? She tells us in the very next sentence that "If they [Europe] cannot match America's power, they must hope to weaken it." How exactly is Bork's assertion a consequent of Kagan's, Seth? Bork's conclusion is as much intellectual testimonium paupertatis
as it is a demonstration of her inability to read.
What's worse about the piece is Bork's picking her sources with great sleight of hand. The above Robert Kagan, though not stated, is a director of the Project for the New American Century. The other expert cited by Bork is Gary Schmitt, a Project staffer. Bork's affiliation? Glad you asked
. Even after limiting her sources to those in unambiguous agreement with herself so as to spare herself from squaring any circles, Bork is still unable to submit a coherent piece.
Left of Bork (in page location only) is another delightful Sun
editorial. Seth and Ira
exercise themselves over Amnesty International's release of its annual report, in which they find numerous defects. The anger mounts when the editorialist asks of the organization's concern over civilian deaths in the Afghanistan campaign
"how the remaining Afghans are enjoying free speech and the absence of soccer-stadium executions." Sitting here in Pawnee, Illinois, I certainly can't comment on the freedoms brought by sustained bombing, though I'd say the Afghans would prefer the absence of wedding party executions
A few more notes re: staffing. We saw Rachel P. Kovner's byline, so we again apologize for prematurely reporting her death. Though the Sun
staff has one less vacancy than we had presumed, we think the paper could add greatly to its vitality with the infusion of some new blood. Apropos of "new blood," we recommend the Sun
hire Ed Kilgore, the DLC functionary submitting a book review today, on the strength of his robust surname. Reading that byline during edits would surely excite Seth and Ira to a state of extreme sexual arousal not experienced since the theft of the 2000 election or even the first Gulf War. Additionally, the AP's Ron Fournier
's name is attached to two of the more noteworthy articles in today's edition. Surely an AP White House correspondent earns under $20 million annually. Why not spend Steinhardt's money with a less reckless hand?
Lastly, the Sun
runs an AP photo of Grace Jones on page seven. We were struck by the similitude between Grace
and Seth Lipsky
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
After a three-day hiatus, the red baitin'-est, Arab-hatin'-est paper ever hatched again sees publication. Let us first note hall monitor Rachel P. Kovner's absence on a day when a Long Island knitting circle
breaks news about Gerald "Wait! I'm supposed to maximize shareholder value?
" Levin as a possible candidate for schools chief. Rachel's failure to file must be taken as definitive proof of her demise.
As per our usual, we will cut past the innumerable stories lifted off the AP wire and from the Jerusalem Post to deal with the contents of the god-awful editorial page.
Seth Lipsky can be found delineating an "Axis of Arafat," as he calls it, on page six. Subsequent to yesterday's suicide bombing of an Israeli café, Arafat issued a "ritualistic denunciation" of the attack "on the grounds that it was 'harmful' to 'the image of the Palestinian people before international public opinion.'" This is curious. One of the Sun
's editors enjoys celebrity for his online antipathy to the New York Times
, while the Sun
itself struggles with an Eric Breindel
-like addiction to the AP feed. Yet the Sun
, in collecting the quote attributed to Arafat, forewent the AP trough to which it so often resorts and went instead to the Times
. The AP, for the record, gave the Palestinian leadership as considering the bombing "harmful to our legal resistance and to the image of the Palestinian people before international opinion." Can you spot the very meaningful omission?
Ariel Sharon could learn a few lessons from Arafat if he ever decides to quit operating in contempt of civilization. Someone concerned with their appearance before international opinion certainly would not allow his charges to mutilate the bodies of teenagers
, combatants or not. Summary executions
would similarly be enjoined. And one certainly would not unashamedly register easily disproved lies for public refutation, and say you are not illegally confiscating Palestinian land for settlements
when you plainly are
Back in Washington, Lipsky
says, competing factions are warring within the administration. The constituents of one want to reform Arafat, while those of the other "want to cut him lose [sic] entirely." Lipsky, obviously, is among those who want to "cut him lose," and he puts forward Omar Karsou as a suitable replacement. Karsou, judging by the editorial, is qualified: he was able to suffer through a Hudson Institute event, sharing a dais with Richard Perle and Bernard Lewis without vomiting before affirming his faith in principled stands against Soviet and Cuban communism.
Karsou is a recent import, in demand since his recent Wall Street Journal
profile. Now the Washington Times
, The Weekly Standard
, et al., are convulsing with disbelief over having found a Palestinian even more willing than Arafat to help marginalize his own people and share complicity in authoring their humiliation, and every brainless reactionary
is queueing up for an interview. Watch his Google hits and Nexis citations rise! $20 million seems to be insufficient capital for locating novelty these great days.