Friday, December 26, 2003
Whenever the time comes for nominations for the most singularly stupid piece of writing in the sad shitstory of the New York Sun -- I mean the modern abomination, not the classic -- I hope the critics will consider today's spEditorial.
In it, the Sun
nis take on Paul Krugman (identified only as "the columnist of the New York Times," as if there were only one) for making an off-handed reference to the Spanish-American War of 1898 on his way to blasting felon-in-waiting Conrad Black
. (SethAndIra refer to Black as "our partner." How sweet...)
To make a long story short, Ira must have sent one of his poor charges off to the New York Public Library to find out what the Times had written about the sinking of the Maine
, you know, at the time. He finds that they were against it.
See, Krugman! You incompetent fool! How dare you criticize Dear Leader and Dear Partner all in one breath!
Quoting the editorial at absurd length (the Sun frequently writes its editorials by cutting-and-pasting extensively from the New York Times), the shitheads conclude, "Those were the days when even the opposition party in America was prepared, in an ambiguous situation, to put the burden of proof on America’s enemies."
And I would say we might have the same situation today, if we had an actual opposition party. But no matter. Holding to the high journalistic standards that obtain at Chambers Street, the Sun neglects to mention the inconvenient fact that modern studies have concluded quite confidently that the Maine
was sunk by an explosion in its boiler room. Thus, what followed was little more than an American imperialist land-grab in the name of a crime that was never actually committed.
And we all know what a success the subsequent occupation of Cuba
and the Philippines
proved to be.
But it's good to see the Sun coming out in favor of the Spanish-American War
. Good patriots, they. All Hail McKinley!
The last paragraph is a real laugher:
Said the congressman [some guy named Dolliver of Iowa] of the impending regime change: “The Nation of America, in the fear of God, counting all the cost, exacts from Spain indemnity in full for the abuses of the past. Not the spoil of subjugated provinces, but the emancipation of an oppressed race; not the ransom of besieged cities, but the nobler satisfaction of raising the flag of a free commonwealth to keep watch with tender gratitude forever above the dust of the unforgotten heroes of the Maine.” Neither President Bush nor Secretary Rumsfeld nor Ahmad Chalabi could have put it better.
No, they could not have put it better. Bush would look at the camera like a lost child and go on about "subjugization." Rumsfeld would meander into Peggy Noonan-like language about "unknown unknowns." And Ahmad Chalabi would work the room, "liberating" society ladies of their jewelry.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
We take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the communication
below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful
author is numbered among the friends of Like Father Like Sun
I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no New York Sun.
Papa says, "If you see it in Like Father, Like Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth: Is there a New York Sun?
Virginia O'Hanlon 115 W. 95th St.
Virginia, your little friends
are wrong. They have been affected by the
skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe, simply because they never see the Sun on newsstands. They think that nothing can be so badly written, edited, and laid out. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's
, are little, but some are far smaller than others. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect
, an ant
, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge. And some of those intellects are so small as to appear nonexistent, and yet their daily circulations manage to be even smaller than that.
But yes, Virginia, there is a New York Sun. It exists as certainly as war and
prejudice and hatred exist
, and you know that they abound, particularly around Chambers Street. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no New York Sun. It would be as dreary as if there were no false wars, no thieving expatriate Iraqi thieves
who rob Jordanian banks blind, no thieving expatriate Canadian thieves
who buy themselves lordships (and critically acclaimed biographies) while ripping off their shareholders. In other words, it would be a lot better.
Not believe in The New York Sun! You might as well not believe in fairies
! You might get your papa to hire men to watch all the newsstands on Christmas Eve to catch the Sun, but even if they did not see the Sun being delivered, what would that prove? (They don't publish on holidays!) Nobody sees the Sun, but that is no sign that there is no Sun. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see, like Hollinger's balance sheets, or the Sun's true circulation.
Did you ever see fairies
dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody
can conceive or imagine all the wonders
there are unseen and unseeable
in the world.
You may tear apart the baby's
rattle and see what makes the noise inside
, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man
, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived
, could tear apart. Only faith
, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory
beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No New York Sun! Thank God! it lives (for the moment), and it lives forever (in Nexis archives). A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, it will continue to make glad the heart of childhood, through the sheer hilarity of its ineptitude.
Now please stop writing me.
In a perfect distillation of the Sun's worldview, we get an idiotorial today entitled "Iraq, Iran, Insane." Who ever knew they would be so honest about the mental state their warmongering put them in? Anyway, get this:
What if the government America just installed in Iraq decides to pay $100 billion to the regime in Iran? That's the scenario America is facing, thanks to our own reluctance to take on the mullahs in Tehran.
There will be those who blame Iraq's leadership for trying to cozy up to the Iranians and there is a shared responsibility. But the Iraqis are only echoing the policy set by the State Department, which, in congressional testimony by the deputy secretary of state, Richard Armitage, characterized America's goal as being not to change the regime in Tehran. If America isn't going to help get rid of that Iranian regime -- and if that Iranian regime, as it appears, is going to have a nuclear bomb in the next two years -- it's understandable that Iraqis would want to treat their powerful neighbor very gingerly.
See, it really was all that Colin Powell's fault. I say we hold him as an enemy combatant.
And actually, no one will blame Iraq's "leadership," the unelected (and unelectable) assembly of creeps and morons who Visceroy Bremer tries in vain to keep under his control. We, the God-fearing people of the United States of America, will blame our unelected (and unelectable
By the way, where did this "Iran will have the bomb in two years" shit come from? Sounds familiar
In the Yours Truly Gets Results category, a story in the Sun today about Chickenshit Black pleading the Fifth
in an investigation into his massive corruption mentions that, yes, Hollinger is a "minority investor in the New York Sun." But here's a conundrum for you -- does Conrad Black have constitutional rights? He is, after all, not a U.S. citizen (unless we have cut some deal to give him a lordship). I say we give him the same rights as those detainees in Gitmo, or Colin Powell. Habeas corpus be damned!
Monday, December 22, 2003
It's really gotta suck being J.P. Avlon
. The world, for him, is a scary place. Be it the sight of menacing poor people milling about the streets of Far Rockaway caught through a rolled-up car window when a red light interrupts his progress to the Five Towns, or the intrusion of a panhandler upon Avlon
's peace of mind while the Sun
"columnist" strolls the gentrified streets of lower Manhattan, almost anything will rattle the poor fellow.
The accumulated anxieties seem to have at last devastated Avlon
, for today he sounds not at all like his usual self. Note today's "Living in The Eye Of [WETS
] a Storm," printed at
We have been living in an eye-of-the storm moment in New York, the searing experience of September 11 followed by months of eerie calm and high anxiety, met only with silence.
The relative quiet has caused some people to be lulled into a false sense of security, removing the urgency from disaster preparedness as the laziness of the status quo mind-set returns to many in local government. But these are not ordinary times.
Further terrorist attacks are not a question of if but when and to what degree.
Why does Fipp hate America? "Further terrorist attacks"? Doesn't he know that arch Islamofascist terrorist and Supreme Boogeyman Saddam Hussein has been captured? What does he think the Resident spent all that money
for? What kind of Saudi-coddling Ay-rab symp would dare voice such an extraordinary claim