Wednesday, December 31, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRA!
After much thought, I have decided to get him a lifetime membership here
document of historical interest; a starter model
of his choice; and a framed copy of this photo
of one of the worst criminals to roam the planet in recent history. (Also pictured: a mass murderer.)
Happy New Year, everybody!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Earlier today, Quentin Robinson
once again contributed a stellar posting. Is it any wonder he came in second in the voting for Like Father Like Sun Employee of the Year? (He was narrowly edged out by our receptionist, Bettina
, barely outpointing the third and fourth place finishers, assistant receptionist Cami
and backup receptionist Susie
. We are a top-heavy organization, some have said.)
However, what Q-Pac neglected to mention, in his good wishes for Ira Stool, is just how timely his message of hope is, for tomorrow is Ira’s birthday! While it remains to be seen whether Ira’s
parents will commemorate this happy occasion with an ad in the Sun, we here at LFLS will certainly be chiming in with birthday greetings and great gift ideas! Tune in tomorrow!
Unbelievable though it may seem, for some in this world the massive earthquake that killed tens of thousands in Bam, Iran, registered as little more that an opportunity to push a political agenda. This is not editorializing -- on page 8 of today's Sun, in a piece called "Iran Opportunity," the editors speak of "the opportunity the Bam earthquake presents to advance our political objectives."
Apparently we should be using the tragedy in Bam to send an army of little Ahmad Chalabis over to Iran, which is all the poor people of Bam need. Wake up to find their families buried under rubble, and now their foot-stools and televisions
are mysteriously "liberated."
But this is not another post to catalogue the inhumanity of the Sun's managing "editor." For Ira Stoll is still young, and still has a chance. There will come a day when he will see that massive death is not an abstraction, an "opportunity...to advance our political objectives." Call it a New Year's resolution, dear reader: It is time to pray for the soul of Ira Stoll. Like Frodo might say, we have to believe that he can come back.
Lipsky, who my sources tell me was in favor of a preemptive nuclear strike against the USSR, is already too far gone. But Ira has a chance. This is Ira's opportunity, and it can start right now.
Ira, get on a plane. Go to Bam. Help those people. You seem to know so much about so many things. There is no way your blistering brainpower cannot help the people of Iran. Put your money where your goddamn mouth is. Go.
Stop cowering behind your desk, declaring perpetual wars on people you just don't like.
Go to Bam. The only reward is your own soul. This is your opportunity.
Mad cow Amity Shlaes, apparently having ingested a portion of recently deceased extremist Bob Bartley's brain and/or spinal cord in a wacky conservatoid necrophagic death rite, goes buck on today's editorial page. In a nominal appreciation of the deranged sexually repressed twit who presided over the WSJ
, Shlaes runs through ten pairs of parentheses, a half-dozen facile misapprehensions of history, and pretty much her entire tired repertoire of contortions. A few great Shlaesian similes are born, though none on par with her extended comparison of the management of the New York City to the play of Sim City. Newspapermen and women of tomorrow, don't despair of the job market. Here's the kind of shit your competition writes:
In the Bartley view, an editor did not sit passively at his newspaper. He drove it like a Jaguar car (nearing retirement, he even acquired one: It was racing green).To get results as an editor, you had to circuit the track relentlessly and stay ahead of the other cars.
Poetry. The existential enormity of loss and death certainly inspires...
Elsewhere SethAndIra, assholes, take exception with the idea that the Iranian quake
is a "humanitarian tragedy that transcended political considerations. Mighty big of you, boys.
Monday, December 29, 2003
"Since September 11, 2001, the national security bureaucracy has been deadlocked on the basic question of whether Syria is a friend or foe in America’s war against Islamic terrorism," the Caped Crusaders declare in today's Sun. As evidence of this "deadlock," SethAndIra cite (in the most poorly-constructed fragment ever written): "the dismissal by the CIA recently of photographs Israel submitted to Washington last December showing convoys containing chemical decontamination trucks traveling to Syria from Iraq."
Get that? Decontamination trucks = Islamic evil. "[T]he territory controlled by Bashar Assad does not fall under the jurisdiction of David Kay’s team of weapons inspectors," they note. Not yet. Patience, you will get the Precious. Anyway, David Kay will not be with the team when the Syrian invasion comes, his resignation already announced following a laughably total failure to legitimate the Bushite
You know, it's funny how the CIA is continually trying to undermine American security. We all know, by now, that the State Department also hates America -- what with their silly statuatory emphasis on diplomacy, rather than warmongering.
The only ones America can trust are the neocon cabal running the shadow administration. You know, the ones whose predictions on Iraq were so wildly inferior to those of the State Department and the CIA that if the government were run more like the private sector -- wink, wink, shitheads -- they would all be out on their asses scrounging for a few bucks to buy a luxurious microwave.
(That is to say, run like the private sector the Sun
nis believe should be educating public school students for fun and profit, not like the cronyist private sector that holds up intellectually bankrupt entitites like Hollinger Inc, Richard Perle, Daniel Pipes, and the New York Sun.)
But let's get to the real meat here: Is America at war with "Islamic terror"? Funny, I have never heard Generalissimo Bush refer to it that way. He says we are at war with some unfortunate woman named "Tara." He has never specified her religion.
Is it that the terror is bred of Islam? Or is that Islam is bred of terror? Quite a trap to fall into, SethAndIra, if you weren't already on the record as anti-Muslim bigots.